Ah, sweet videogame technology. From a simple, phallic, joystick manipulating digital paddles in Pong, to the latest touch-screen innovations immersing us deeper into the interactive entertainment than ever before. With the Wii-U and it's touchscreen changing the way we play games forever, one can only hope the controller can add some crazy sex and drug fueled features to the impending Grand Theft Auto V.
*Never mind the fact that GTA V may never see the light of day on Nintendo's console, we think it will!
Here's five ludicrously adulterated things we want to do with the Wii-U's tablet controller in Rockstar's upcoming mature-rated masterpiece.
5. Unclasping Your Girlfriend's Bra Mini-Game.
This man is talented.
Back in 2004, some hackers found a sexed-up minigame in GTA: San Andreas where, after taking your chick out on a few dates, you eventually were able to bring her home and make sweet love to her with a series of contextual (consexual?) button pushes. It was pretty wild, and even though it was only available through hacking the game, it still got the San Andreas pulled off shelves for a while. In Grand Theft Auto IV you had to wine and dine your lady in Liberty City before you got to bed them in a sex-noise filled cutscene. Grand Theft Auto V can bring your virtual need to get laid to whole new levels with the pinnacle of the digital mountain of love ready to be climbed for anyone out there trying to find their special someone... In a videogame. yes, the bra removal. For any young man, unclasping the bra is a life achievement in itself, it's confusing, obtuse and scary. Before the military introduced the two-key system for launching nuclear warheads, a bra strap was there to deter D-Day. It worked well.
This minigame would present you with a shirtless female, with only the daunting task of removing her bra strap between you and the 'next phase.' The difficulty would be of Mega Man levels, but oh, would it be gratifying when the hooks are finally loose and straps separate gloriously. The touch screen would work intuitively, and it would be solid training for for unstrappers of bras everywhere.
4. Cutting Up Lines of Cocaine.
That's one interesting credit card.
You could even use your own credit card for this one, furthering your interaction with GTA V and blurring the lines between game and 'Real Life.' . In game, imagine yourself in a bathroom of one of San Andreas' many nightclubs, needing a 'pick me up.' You head into a stall, tap out the contents of your little bullet keychain filled with yayo, and proceed to break it up on your touch screen tablet controller with a stylus. Roll up a dollar bill and suck that blow up your nose for a good time.
It would be immersive, it would use up a lot of that in-game cash you have no need for, and it would give you an energy boost unlike any other item in the game. But beware: It will make you have lots of pointless and nonsensical conversations with strangers.
3. Pruning Marijuana Plants.
This could be you.
You've had to transport weed, set it on fire, kill people for it. Why not engage in the most relaxing and least damaging act to those around you? Throw on a bandana, buy some hemp clothing and relax under the sun or beneath the lights of a grow room, it's time to become a new-age weed farmer. The system behind the mechanics of the mini-game would be simple: it's like Operation but with Marijuana buds. Trim them, water the plant, then pluck them when the sticky-icky is ready to be unleashed on the world. The better you treat them, the better yield and more money for you to waste on cocaine (see number 4). Don't forget plants like to be talked to (making use of the Wii-U microphone, aww yeah).
2. Flinging Dollar Bills at Strippers.
This man is full of joy. You can be too.
This can take place directly after entry 4 on this list or before it. Hell, you don't even need to be coked up to make it rain all over a stripper. Slide your finger across your Wii-U tablet controller and towards the exotic dancer of your choice, then watch your cash disappear into a haze of lust and yearning. The only way to unlock the 'Champagne Room' achievement is by throwing enough cash at the stripper while said stripper dances across the screen (the stripper can be male or female depending on the club you're at). Go rob a bank, it's time to visit the strip club.
*Multiplayer enhanced with a Hungry Hippo-like scoring system.
1. Breaking People's Hands That Owe You Money With a Hammer.
Wait, not this Hammer.
It's GTA Whack-A-Mole! Have one of your two partners-in-crime hold down a disrespectful fool's hands and break his fingers one by one with a hammer. Tap your touch screen to make his fingertips explode, or, with the upcoming DLC, take a knife to his digits and make him forever wish he gave you the information you required. Block out the screams and cries of agony, you did the right thing, this had to be done. Other versions of the mini-game include hot poker to the face information extraction, head-in-vice Casino reference and many, many more. Torture - it favors the bold.